Friday, December 6, 2013

MAGGIE – Part 2

Maggie’s death has changed me…is changing me.

My true friends know that, by nature, I’m a very quiet person…a thinker…a people watcher. I’m so much like my father, and I’m proud of that. 

I have pageants to thank for allowing my inside voice – out. At first my mom told me I was a little too blunt. (a lot actually…) But my dad got it! Later, I learned the art of tell what needs to be said and letting others figure things out for themselves. Probably why I like teaching. I see potential when someone else does not…

Right now, I’m finding comfort in my…true nature.

I was forced to watch myself fall apart and that wasn’t…isn’t fun. Those brief moments of sadness…I don’t want to go away. I want to keep her real…because she was…and is real. 

I was also forced to see the man I love so desperately want to heal me…and it hurt that I hurt in a way he…no one could help. It’s paralyzing. I still hurt. 

When I was in Texarkana, my sister and I tried to get out and do something that Maggie would have loved – like go to Old Navy. When a sales clerk came to over tell us about sales, I wanted scream at her: “My niece is dead, did you know that? How is YOUR day going? Because mine SUCKS!” 

I was comforted by the fact that my sister felt the same way. 

I still feel that way when I listen to someone telling me about something petty. But I smile, knowing that at some time in my life, I was that person…saying something petty.  

Sometimes I feel like she goes with me through out the day. Her smile…especially her smile. How she doesn’t want me to be sad…and I want to make her happy.

It’s the evening of December 6th. I put a different photo up on my Facebook profile and cover page. Something other than Maggie or me and Maggie. 

I cried…am crying…

I didn’t realize how hard that would be…

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